Infertility – something that is a shameful, dismissed, and most importantly not discussed.
Life of Infertility –
Pretending to be happy as you continue to hear of everyone around you conceiving, then going home and taking another pregnancy test PRAYING this one will be positive.
Talking to people and having them tell you to enjoy your time not being a parent because once it is, your life is “over”. However, inside you are screaming at them and telling them they have no idea how lucky they are to have the family they have and that it was so “easy” for them to conceive. On the outside, you put that smile back on your face and walk away telling them how beautiful their family is. As you walk away, the panic sets in, “Will that ever be me? Will I ever get to have that family?”
Lately my struggle has been my frustration and complete sadness when it comes to our infertility. There is no amount of mediating, going to the gym, drinking my wine, or anything that can resolve my longing. The longer is doesn’t happen, the sadder and more insecure I become with myself and my body.
Luckily, my saving grace is my faith. Believing that whether we do or don’t become successful is all in God’s plan.
It just sometimes really hurts to wish.
Well, the first week is done!
I am someone who once I get in the grove of everything I find working out something that I truly love. This week I started getting that love and passion back.
I’ve stuck to my diet having two 310 shakes a day and 1 meal everyday this week with a snack if I am really hungry. I just bought a new flavor (Vanilla Chai) and absolutely love it! So I actually get excited for my shakes each day right now – having Vanilla Chai in the morning and Chocolate for lunch.
Tomorrow will be my first cheat day as my husband is coming home after being gone for two weeks and has a day planned for us.
This isn’t my first weight loss journey. I lost over 50lbs 6 years ago. In that experience, I didn’t struggle because I didn’t deprive myself from having fun. I feel that when it comes to some people, they take out the joy in food, life and just become obsessive on that body image (I have full respect for those people if that is what they want). I however as I’ve mentioned, love food and wine! Therefore making sure giving myself fun days and living the life I love will keep me passionate to lose weight. If I cut everything out that I loved, I WILL eventually cheat and lose passion for exercise and dieting. & let’s face it, once my passion is gone – so is my commitment. [[Hence how I got to this size]]. Therefore, I am REALLY looking forward to a day with my husband without feeling guilty what so ever – I earned tomorrow after this week.
Have a great weekend all!
FIRST & SECOND DAY COMPLETE!
Was it some mind altering experience? Nope! Just a lot of soreness, healthy eating, and sweating. Was it worth it? YES!
Yesterday I completed two workouts. First was Body Boss (AMAZING!) Second was an hour on the stair climber (BRUTAL).
Body Boss is a HIIT 12 week workout program that you can complete from home in under 30 minutes. I am someone who loves to have a guide and direction when it comes to working out. I don’t feel effective doing it on my own as I usually only focus on the same areas and as I’ve learned over the last few years, if you keep doing the same program over & over – you will not see results eventually. Having this program makes me excited knowing I will be working on all portions of my body plus including my gym regimen, I will certainly be dropping all this weight. [H O P E F U L L Y]
So, why have I become so motivated to get into shape you ask?
Several reasons –
- If you read my last post, I am very disgusted with how I look. I take a picture and am ashamed I’ve become the fat girl in my group.
- I’m battling depression due to multiple factors and I’ve learned in the past when I work out, it becomes a natural vise for my depression & lets face it! I need all the natural endorphins I can get.
- My biggest inspiration my husband and I have been trying to conceive for longer than I’d like to admit. Getting my body in the best shape it can be in will hopefully help us conceive as well as keep me in good shape to carry a baby once that time comes.
There has been a lot of hardship in my life lately that I kind of lost myself in grief. This is now my choice to take my life back.
GOODBYE depression & rolls! HELLO happiness & beauty.
The beauty of working out, although there are no transformations overnight, just knowing you took the time to meet your goals for the day helps that confidence start to return.
Today’s workout – 1 hour of cardio on the treadmill.
Ever spend your night looking back at who you use to be? Knowing at the time those photos were taken, you were never good enough in your mind – but now as you look back, you would do anything to be that person again? For that reason specifically, I have started this blog – to hold myself accountable to become someone I truly love inside & out.
I am recently 27, I am not a fitness guru, I love junk food, my wine is like my sanity, and I am far from serene. I am someone who reacts upon emotion (stressed? have a drink! bored? eat! sad? you know the rest) which is why when I look in the mirror today, I loathe what I see and am determined for CHANGE.
I’ll admit, I lost myself in stress, depression and [[the E X C U S E of]] work. I stopped looking out for me because I was “too busy” looking out for others and making excuses for reasons I didn’t have time. I’m done feeling this way though – I am tired of looking back at who I use to be and wishing… It is now or never to finally be proud of who I am for the first time in my 27 years of existence and most importantly to teach myself to S T A Y proud of who I am.
My fitness journey will begin TODAY using:
- Boss Body Program (M,W,F)
- Attending the gym a minimum of 3x per week for cardio (45 mins – 1 hour),
- Drinking 310 Shakes [[My FAVORITE meal supplements]] (1-2/day)
For me to be emotionally healthy I have to feel good about myself. Not by the number on a scale, but by how I feel looking at myself in the mirror. The beginning of my fitness journey will in return start to give me back my confidence, happiness, and motivation to continue to change as I see my reflection change for the better.
This will be a LONG journey – it won’t be perfect – you will read of ups & downs. That’s just life – especially mine. It will be hard, I will get tired, and there will be plenty of days where I just don’t have the motivation to work out. Which is why I’ve started a blog – to make myself accountable.
Currently : I am looking forward to the future – not excited for the beginning – can’t wait for the day I feel like “ME” again.
Day 1 : L O A T H I N G my reflection [[bloated – too curvy – since when did I have rolls?! ]] Just feeling plain old FAT!